


and the stars they reached for us

by abo_trash



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, F/F, Future Fic, Gem Egg Hell, Gemlings, Married Couple, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2019-11-12 02:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18001784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abo_trash/pseuds/abo_trash
Summary: It has been years since they faced Homeworld. Years since Steven's halves were separated and fused together again. There was a question that had burned at the back of Pearl's mind about what could happen to Steven in the end, and now that she's faced with the long awaited answer to her question, she wishes she had never asked.





	1. Chapter 1

The gem was heavy. Heavier than an inert gem had any right being. It was only sitting in her lap, on her deft and calloused palms, but weighed on her like nothing else ever had. Perhaps it was the meaning of the gem in her hand, of what the fact that she held it at all truly  _ meant _ , that was heavy- sinking deep into her being, into her core- rather than the gem itself. The gem, so complex and beautiful that she felt like she was touching something sacred and that it should have burned her hands instead of sitting in them so perfectly, did not really have that much weight to it.

She knew deep down that the gem didn't weigh much, that it was a light little thing, so precious and fragile. There wouldn’t be too much weight to something like it, forming a form of pure light around it when it was active. But still, it felt heavy. Like the weight of the world was sitting on her shoulders. As if it blamed her, hissed that it was her fault. She should have trained him better, should have  _ been there if nothing else- _

She stopped the train of thought dead. Self deprecation would not help her right then. It would only make things worse. She didn’t need to spend her time berating herself, because she knew Steven would hate to see her like this. He would have scolded her, corrected her thoughts, and preached wonderful self love like he had for the countless years he had been around if he was here to hear her thoughts. He would have done so much, gone beyond himself, and loved her even when she couldn't, because that’s who he was. He was an ever kind, caring being, that went above and beyond himself to love her and the other Crystal Gems when they couldn’t love themselves.

_ But he wasn’t here now, was he? _

She glanced at the gem in her hands at that thought. No, the gem half of him wasn't here right now, but... He had the chance to be. He could be back. That's why she protected his gem like her life depended on it. He could be back any moment now, and she would hug him the moment his feet touched the floor. Or... he wouldn’t come back, and instead,  _ she _ could come back, and everything would  _ change  _ even though it had been so long and so much had changed for the  _ better _ -

"'ey, Pearl. Still waiting on Steven, huh?" Bismuth's voice broke her from her train of thought, and she let out a breath she didn't realise she had been holding. She looked to her wife and gave a sad nod, trying to keep her mind in the present, instead of in her thoughts. Perhaps with Bismuth around, she could focus on happier moments in the past, instead of what could be. Like their wedding day, aisles filled with the Crystal Gems that supported their decision, had helped plan the wedding, while Steven had walked her through the steps of the human ritual... Oh, Steven…

Bismuth came and sat next to her, and she leaned into her touch, letting her eyes lull, but never leaving the gem. She knew that watching wouldn’t help him reform, but still, worry kept her eyes glued to it. She missed him already, and it hadn’t even been a full day since his gem had slid from his belly, his human form limp in Garnet’s grip. It had been hours, and she hadn’t stuck around to see his body like that, to know if he was even still alive. She couldn’t. She had scooped up the gem before Garnet had shocked his heart back into pumping, and without even looking at her, Garnet had pointed her towards the warp pad, shooing her away without a word.

Which… Just left her here. Worrying over Steven, unsure of his fate in the fountain, too scared to return and hoping the gem would reform as him, so she could reunite him with himself, and all would be okay. As okay as it could be, with her blaming herself over a training accident that no control could be taken over, anyways. It would be better than how she was now, a desperate little mess that so desperately craved seeing his smiling face again, and hearing his laugh, instead of worrying over the gem in her grip. She spared a glance to Bismuth, and let out a small sigh, tapping her fingers loosely against the gem in her grip.

"Yes, I... I'm worried. It's been so long since Garnet put him in the fountain, and... What if he doesn’t make it? What if he’s already gone, or worse? What if his gem half reforms but his human half is gone?! What if it isn't him that reforms, Bismuth? What... what if it's her?" she managed, her fingers curling around the oh-so-heavy gem protectively. As if that would change the course of what was to come, and make it Steven instead of any other possibility. She felt Bismuth’s arm loop around her loosely and she leaned into her, letting out a soft sigh. “I know it’s stupid to worry about, but… I can’t help it. I’m scared.”

“I know, doll. It’s alright. I mean, I get it! Ya got a lot on your mind here, with Steven sitting in the fountain waitin’ on this dang thing to reform, so it’s okay to worry.” There was the gentle press of a kiss to her gem, light and fleeting, and she felt a bit of tension leave her shoulders. Bismuth knew all of her weak spots, and she found her eyes drawn to her wife’s face, seeing a soft smile there. It drew a tiny smile to her own face, and she leaned into her fully, feeling the muscles twitch and move as her arm curled around her, holding her close.

Garnet hadn’t been worried, she tried to soothe herself. She had motioned them to take the warp pad back to the temple with the gem, had held Steven close to keep him to the surface of the water, but she hadn’t been tense. She had been… Not relaxed. That wasn’t really the right word. There was no way to really  _ be _ relaxed, not with their adoptive son- was it even okay to call him that? Could she call him her son without hating herself for it?- sitting in a fountain of healing tears that didn’t seem to aid him at all, but almost placid. Like she had expected this to happen when they had sent him off that morning with a smile and wave to go train the new recruits for the protectors of earth.

Could she have seen this coming? Could they have stopped this? Or was it inevitable? Was Steven destined to lose his gem- possibly lose his  _ life _ \- because of a training accident? The thought made her mouth dry, made her hands shake, and she gripped the gem tight. She found herself bringing it close to her chest, feeling the weight of it rest there, and let out a shaky breath. Was this it? Was this how they were to lose Steven? Not to old age, no, because he knew how to make himself young again and again, but instead to an  _ accident.  _ An accident she should have been there for, part of her hissed, but she tried not to acknowledge that part of herself. It would do her no good right then.

There was nothing that would do her any good right then, she supposed. Not with Bismuth already trying her best, her large hand wrapped around her and rubbing her side comfortingly. There was nothing that could soothe her worries, besides Steven himself reforming. They’d take his gem half to the fountain- or perhaps Garnet would know he had reformed and bring his human half here- and they’d fuse, and all would be well. It had to be. She couldn’t lose Steven. She just couldn’t. He meant so much to her, to all of them, and if he was gone…

“Hey! Earth to Pearl. You’re in your head too deep, princess.” She felt her form being shaken, gentle but enough to draw her from her thoughts, and only then did she feel the wetness on her cheek. One of her hands dared to let go of the gem and drew to her cheek, wiping away the tears she felt there- though she wasn’t exactly sure when she had started crying- and she swallowed the lump in her throat, looking up to Bismuth. Her expression was worried, but caring, and Pearl knew she would wait for her to speak as long as it took.

Perhaps it would be best not to make her wait, however. All waiting seemed to be doing was making her stay in her head, dancing in between worry and panic, so she sighed and ducked her head low, nuzzling just so against Bismuth’s chest. Bismuth already knew what she was worried about, so perhaps talking about it would keep her from dancing into territory she didn’t want to delve into until it was a pressing matter.

How best to even start? “Sorry,” was the first thing she could think of, as she wiped her cheeks of her tears. “I was in my head again, I know,” was next, and her nose wrinkled slightly in distaste as she looked up as Bismuth’s kind and caring smile. “It’s just… Really hard not to be distracted by what could come out of this. I don’t want to lose Steven. I’m not ready for that. He’s practically… Practically my son. I don’t want to have to bury him like we did Greg. I can’t lose him yet. I just can’t.”

There was a pause, Bismuth staying quiet. She knew there was something else bothering her, Pearl could tell by the way her gentle caresses never seemed to stop, and she sighed. It would be best to admit it now, to drag it to the surface and deal with something that she  _ could _ deal with, even slightly, as opposed to sitting still and worrying about whether or not that morning would be the last time she saw Steven alive and healthy. She let go a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding, her shoulders slumping in defeat, and drew the gem that much closer to her chest. “That and I’m… I’m not sure I’m ready to handle seeing Rose again.”

“There it is,” Bismuth said coolly, and she glanced to her, seeing her expression almost unreadable, her eyes off to the side and distant. There was a twinge of hurt there, and one hand dared to let go of the gem that both gripped to rest on Bismuth’s chest instead, right against her own gem. The touch was light, but enough to draw their eyes to each other, a moment of understanding passing between them.

“I’m over her,” she said, her tone final, her brows furrowing and creasing in a way that meant she was as serious as she could be. Those simple words were enough to let the tension free of Bismuth’s shoulders, and she could feel herself relax, if only for a moment. Still, she had to explain, and it hurt to try. “I promise I’m over her. It’s just that I thought I would never see her again, and knowing that this could be her… It’s bringing a lot of old wounds to the surface. About all the secrets she made me keep, the way she treated my emotions… It’s hard to think she could be coming back any second now. I’m not prepared for that.”

There was a moment where her words just hung in the air, before Bismuth let out a soft sigh, her free hand shifting to tangle through her dreads. She dragged them through slowly, carefully, before her hand slid down and she shifted to rest her chin on the top of Pearl’s head. “I know what you mean,” Bismuth mumbled, both hands now looping around her form and holding her close in a loose hug. “I freaked when Garnet told me what happened. I’m still bitter than Rose decided to just… Hide me away for all those years. She could have let me go at any time, but she didn’t. I can’t imagine how you’re hurting, Pearl, but I promise you I’ll be here for you no matter who reforms.”

She found herself giving a small nod, trying not to choke on the emotions running through her, and instead focused on enjoying the feel of Bismuth’s arms around her. She could smell her scent then, a mix of molten magma, the underlying scent of minerals she used to make weapons, and her own personal earthy smell that calmed her nerves like nothing else could. To others, it might have burned their nose, have made them cough and wheeze with the intensity of it all, but to her, it was the most wonderful smell in the world. It was the smell of home, happiness, and her own freedom that she couldn’t really say she had before she had returned to her life. So with Bismuth’s head resting atop her own, her scent wrapping around her, and her arms around her in a loose embrace, she could feel herself starting to relax, if only a little.

“Thank you,” she dared to mumble after a moment, forcing back tears. Now was not the time to cry. The time to cry would be later, after the gem reformed, or perhaps when they were both curled together in her room or in the forge, truly alone with no risk of others walking in on them. Now was a time to talk, even if others could hear, because she was done with keeping secrets regarding Rose.“I don’t want to see her again, Bismuth. I don’t. I can’t! She’s a part of my history- our history, even- that I thought was long gone. She was as good as dead, but now… Now she could be back, and everything is going to be changing again! I don’t want this to change!”

She was surprised when a sob broke through, her body shaking from the force of it. She didn’t realise she had been crying until then. She, of course, found herself even more surprised when a kiss was pressed to her lips. It was gentle, but enough to cut off her sobs, and enough to draw her attention to Bismuth. She found Bismuth’s hands on her cheeks, her touch gentle and sweet, as her thumbs wiped her tears away. When the kiss broke, she threw her arms around Bismuth’s neck, clutching the diamond close.

“Don’t you worry about none of that, you hear princess?” Bismuth started, her arms wrapping around her. She felt her pulling her close, her grip tight, and nodded against her neck. “I don’t care what happens if Rose comes out of that gem. We aren’t changing unless we want to. You said you considered her as good as dead? Tell her that! Let her know you aren’t hers anymore. You don’t belong to no one but yourself, and if you ever doubt that, I’ll be by your side to remind you. That’s what that ring is for! So you know I’ll always be there for you. Who knows? It could be Steven that returns, and all this worrying you’re putting yourself through will be for nothing.”

She nodded again, squeezing her eyes shut, and just tried to enjoy the hug for what it was. It was comfort, kindness, and the feeling of being loved and sharing a future with someone who would always be there for her, no matter what. There was a million different things that could happen from then on, for the rest of their lives, but she knew that it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter. Not as long as Bismuth was there by her side, or the rings were on their fingers.

For that singular moment, she really tried not to think about the possible things that could happen. She tried not to think about how close they could be to losing Steven, or how close they were to having Rose return. Instead, she tried to focus on Bismuth. On her comforting hug, on her caring smile, on their future together, and the past that they had shared. It meant the world to her and eased her conscious, allowing her to simply relax and enjoy the embrace of the woman she loved more than anything else in her life.

Fate seemed to frown upon her moment of happiness however, for no sooner had she finally relaxed, than the gem in her hand began to glow. It drew her attention and she let go of it without a second thought, allowing it to float into the air. She forced herself away from the embrace, finding a breath she didn’t really need caught in her throat as the form started to take hold. A million thoughts raced through her head, a million fears that made her want to cry or to run, but as the gem cycled through previous forms, going from Pink Diamond to Rose Quartz, she knew she had no more time for that. She had to focus on Steven, or Rose, or… Whoever came out of that gem.

The gem flickered to a younger Steven’s form, when they had finally gotten through to Homeworld, then to the form he had last. The form that sat waiting with Garnet in Rose’s fountain, waiting for this thing to take hold, so they could return the pieces together. She was excited to see it as the gem seemed to paused, hoping that this was it. This would all be okay. All of her worry was for nothing, Steven would be okay, and she could keep moving on with her life like this had never happened.

Except… The form changed again. Mutated, really. It didn’t seem to know what it was doing, rolling in on itself and shifting, an ever glowing ball of light, before expanding. Shapeless as it was, Pearl found herself fearing the worst. That Steven and Rose were both going to be gone, that the gem was damaged beyond repair, that it would never be able to take a new form. But just as her fears grew to a crescendo, the light started to retreat. It’s form shrunk and changed, taking hold again as the last form it had known- as her adopted son, who was rotting away waiting- before it seemed to shift in front of her eyes. She found herself staring as the form started to descend, the light fading, before- with the gentleness and grace she could have only expected from the one before her- it stood on it’s own two feet, gentle eyes staring into her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic took about a month to write, with a lot of personal things happening that made it hard to concentrate, but now its finally out there in the world. ive got a lot of ideas for this universe, so be prepared. 
> 
> and, a thanks to my wonderful friend, [thewishingdragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewishingdragon/pseuds/thewishingdragon), for proofreading this mess so i could finally post it.


	2. Chapter 2

Light spilled from her form as it shaped, spun, twirled, into who she was supposed to be. There wasn’t time for thought, not then, because her body was forming, her mind too caught up on what her _form_ was supposed to be, that she wasn’t thinking about who or what _she’s_ supposed to be. Her form finally twisted and shifted, into something she’s sure was right, or at least close to it, and she felt gravity take hold. Her form lowered then, and the light she’d been emitting as her body formed faded, into nothing. Her eyes cracked open, slow at first, before she drew another blink, and she found herself staring into none other than the face of her beloved, as their eyes met once again.

She wished later that she could have said her first feeling was confusion. She wished she could say that she was confused about why she was existing again, about why she was there at all, but instead she found the first emotion her body experienced after reforming to be nothing other than relief. Relief at seeing Pearl, the love that brought her into the wonderful experience of Earth, whole. Sure, Pearl was crying, but the last time she had seen her, she had been crying too. She had been a mess, a disaster, and she had wiped away the tears then. She wanted to do it then as well, wanted to kiss them away, to assure Pearl that everything was going to be okay.

There a moment then, where they stare at each other. They don’t think really blink, before she felt something heavy settle in her heart. Pearl needed her, so of course she was going to be there for her. She didn’t even think about it, didn’t register where she was, or who was around, as her feet start to carry her forward. She barely took a step, feeling her arm reaching out to Pearl, reaching to cradle her cheek so she could kiss her gem, could soothe her pain, could do a million things she had done before for the love that had given her so much, but before she could do any of that, before she could even fully take a step forward, three different things happened so quick, she barely had time to register it all.

First, Pearl flinched back. The tears in her eyes started to spill faster, a broken hiccup tearing through her throat as she turned away. Her hands came up, burying her face into them as if the mere sight of her was too much for Pearl to handle. She didn’t understand, but she didn’t have time to think about it, for what else happened had her attention drawn to it right then.

As Pearl had flinched, another form to her side jerked forward. It was up, and between herself and Pearl, before she had time to register that it was not just anyone- gem, or human. It was _Bismuth_. Bismuth, who drew an elegant and neatly crafted sword from her gem. There were vines crafted down from the guard, wrapping loosely around the grip, to mold into a beautiful heart at the end, and she couldn’t help but think it was a weird detail to notice, but when the tip of the blade was pressed to her throat, keeping her from moving even a full step forward, she found her eyes traveling the sword, before they finally met Bismuth’s own. Bismuth’s expression, one full of near pure anger, and a hint of something else negative, something painful she couldn’t quite put her finger on, drew her back. She swallowed, moved her foot back, and dropped her arm, as Bismuth bared her teeth in what she could only call a barely restrained snarl.

“Don’t you dare touch her, Rose,” Bismuth forced out, and the air went thick. It was then, that she had to admit, that confusion finally set in. She finally took in the moment to look over Pearl’s form, to see how different it was from the last time she had seen her, and then take in her surroundings. Her head didn’t move, too scared to risk it with the blade at her throat, but her eyes scanned the area, looking at where she was for the first time. It’s then that she felt something heavy start to settle from her heart into her stomach.

This wasn’t right. She felt her face drop, her emotions swirling as she tried to get a grasp on it. She was in a house. A human house, if furniture she could see was anything to go by. She could see from one of the windows that it was on the beach, and from the corner of her eye, she could see the warp pad, and could see the temple door. She wanted to take a step back, but wasn’t sure how Bismuth would react, so instead she tried her best to take everything in. Something was wrong. Something had changed. She…

She wasn’t supposed to be here.

“Moms...? Who’s that? Wh-what’s going on?” Her attention- along with Bismuth’s and Pearl’s- was drawn from each other to another little thing, another little gem. She dimly realized it was a pearl, pink skinned with swirling purple and blue hair, that stood on the warp pad, though Rose didn’t hear it activate. Her hands were drawn up together, hands knitted into the same nervous twirling she was used to from Pearl, and she didn’t have a chance to question anything, before Pearl was moving. She was over to the other pearl, her hands around her shoulders, carefully leading her away, and she could see that the other pearl was shorter. Just a little. Before she could think to say anything, before she could move, she could see Pearl swallowing a thick lump in the back of her throat, and she turned herself and the other pearl away from Rose, as if that would stop her from hearing them, or seeing more than she already had.

“Poppy… Where’s your sisters? It’ll… It’ll be easier to tell all of you at once.” She strained to hear and focus solely on Pearl with the sword at her throat, and as she finally started to register what Pearl was saying, she could see her head tilt. Pearl glanced back over her shoulder, their eyes meeting for just a moment, before Pearl frowned. She looks back to the other pearl- to Poppy, if that was truly her name- and a hand drew itself to the middle of Poppy’s back. She lead her off, toward the temple door, and it was too quiet for her to hear much more than a soft little, “come,” that she wasn’t quite sure she heard right to begin with, before the door opened. The two disappeared inside, and as soon as the door shut, the pressure on her neck lifted.

She looked to Bismuth, part confusion and part relief, and there was a tiredness she saw as their eyes met once again. The blade slowly lowered, until it was hanging limply at her side, but her expression didn’t change. She was angry, and Rose has some idea as to _why_ she was, but she didn’t get a chance to ask. She didn’t get a chance to say anything, before Bismuth was speaking first.

“Can’t believe you’re back.” Bismuth broke the gaze, her eyes shifting to stare at the sword in her hand. She lifted it slightly, and Rose could tell that there was some weight to it. She wondered if Bismuth made it, but knew that right then was not the time to ask such a question. Bismuth looked to her from the corner of her eye, her face contorting into a slight snarl, and when she spoke again, there was sharp bitterness and a hint of resentment in her tone. “But, of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be? Ya always know how to shake things up, huh, Pink? Couldn’t leave things be.”

“H-how?” The first word out of her mouth since reforming, and it was shaky. Her voice cracked, from the first use, and from the fear she felt bubbling up inside her. She cleared her throat, forced the emotions away for now, and decided it was best to try again, to try saying _something_ else, besides a broken bit of a word that she had stumbled over. “How did you-”

“Find out? About your big secret?” Bismuth interrupted, and her sword moved. It tapped against her gem, not hard enough to scratch, but just enough force to it to point out the way it was turned, on full view to the world, for all to see the diamond shape. “You might not have been here, Rose, but this thing was. So was Pearl. Did you really think that no one would ever find out? That your little secret would die with you, ‘cause ya left Pearl unable to talk about it? Well, guess what. It’s out in the open, and everyone knows now. Congrats.”

Bismuth lowered the sword from her gem, dropped it low, and sighed. Her eyes shifted, focusing on the warp pad, and she could see her shoulders slump. She had a million questions, a million things she wanted to ask, to say, to beg for information on, but instead found herself too scared to say a word. Her eyes were drawn to her feet instead, and despite her size, she felt small. She felt almost… Weak.

They stood there, for a few moments at least, before Bismuth motioned to the warp pad with the sword. Her eyes betrayed the hurt and anger under the surface, but she wasn’t about to interrupt her and ask what was wrong, not right then. There would be no telling if the business end of the sword would end up buried into her physical form if she did, so she decided on staying quiet, on drawing herself smaller, and even taking a step back as an after thought, so she wouldn’t be quite so easy to reach.

“Just...” Bismuth took a deep breath, closing her eyes and letting out a breath they both knew she didn’t really need. “Just get out. Go to your fountain. Steven… Steven needs you. Garnet’s probably expecting you, so just… Get out.”

Just hearing her son’s name was enough to get her moving. She rushed to the warp pad, closing her eyes and focusing on the location Bismuth had told her she needed to be. There was no hesitation, no final words to be said, no long stares from across the room. There was nothing left to be seen. She kept her eyes down, knowing better than to spare one last glance at Bismuth right then. Instead, the room went up in a flash as the warp pad activated, the chime echoing in her ears as she was drawn from her child’s home, from the glare she was sure Bismuth was still giving her, towards the fountain she had built a life time ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, oof. had some rough times irl. im not super happy with this, but its a chapter. ill try to get another one out relatively soon. message me at abotrash on tumblr if youve got any questions for the au!


	3. Chapter 3

When she warped into the fountain, it hit her exactly how  _ different _ things could be, all while staying near the same. The walls still stood exactly as she had left it, if a little more worn by time. Her statues sat perfectly where she had left them, albeit with a few different potted plants by their sides. The fountain itself still flowed, the water she had infused with her essence pouring from the eyes of her statue. It was, despite all the years she had been gone, practically the same.

What was not the same, however, was who stood inside the walls. Garnet, kneeling at the edge of the water, her back to her, was accompanied by a yellow pearl, her hand on the shoulder of…  _ Spinel.  _ Even with her new form, even just looking at her back, Rose knew who it was that stood before her. Had she been a better gem, she might have ran to her. Apologized for being unable to return to her once the galaxy warps were destroyed. Apologized for what she was sure had been years upon years of torture, standing alone. Said her sorries, for what little they would have been worth, before she made her way to Garnet. Before she approached what she knew would be the prone form of her son.

But she was not a better gem. She could never really say that she was, of course. She was never a better gem. She knew that, deep down. There would never be a point where she considered herself a better gem.

So, instead- because she was not a better gem and never would be- she froze. Well, not exactly in one fluid moment did her movements stop, but instead, in a final step, in a breath that drew in when it was unnecessary, did her foot come down on just enough to draw the attention of the pearl by Spinel’s side. She dimly recognized the pearl as Yellow Diamond’s, if the gem position and the spike of her hair was anything to go by, but before she could say a word, the pearl’s eyes widened.

There was something akin to a strangled noise that left her throat at that moment, and Rose could only assume that meant the pearl recognized her as well. In an instant, she felt her stomach clench as Spinel’s head tilted, turning to face the gem at her side, and before she could follow her gaze, the pearl’s hand came up to cover Spinel’s eyes. Her other arm wrapped around her, lifting her up to cradle her, the hand staying over her eyes. Her own eyes widened as she caught a glimpse of Spinel’s stomach, swollen in a way she knew from her own experience from pregnancy. But who-?

“Hey! Canary! What gives?” Spinel yelled, stopping her thoughts dead, wriggling in the pearl’s grip, and the pearl- Canary, if Spinel’s exclamation was anything to go by- only let out a short hiss through her teeth, almost a ‘shush’ before carrying her towards the warp pad, glaring daggers at Rose all the way. Her throat felt tight, her mouth dry, but she forced herself to look back to the fountain, towards where Garnet had turned to face her. That was another thing to worry about. Another time. Right now, she had more pressing matters to worry about.

More pressing matters, of course, being the form Garnet had revealed when she had turned.

Her feet carried her to the fountain’s edge without a thought towards what she was doing. She couldn’t think about what she was doing. All she could think about was  _ him.  _ He was bigger than she expected, but she really wasn’t sure  _ what _ she expected either. Her son- Steven- was limp in Garnet’s grip, soft little noises coming from his mouth as he struggled to breathe. The only thing keeping him above the water was the grip Garnet had, her arm looped loosely around his neck, his body lax. He looked so… So  _ pitiful _ .

“Mom…” His voice was a whisper, so soft and broken, and she wondered for a moment if he truly knew she was there. She opened her mouth to speak, to reassure her son that she was there, but she caught Garnet shaking her head from the corner of her eye, and instantly the words died on her lips. She let herself drop to her knees, trying to ignore the broken form that reflected back at her from the surface of the water. It was wrong. The skin was pink, her hair a mash of light and dark, and she looked as if she was a first time fusion, instead of who she was. She was wrong. She shouldn’t have existed. She tried not to dwell on that, tried not to let the reflection weigh too heavily on her mind, and tried, as best she could, to focus on Steven.

“Pearl isn’t here right now, Steven. I’m sorry.” Oh.  _ Oh. _ She wasn’t Mom. She… Of course she wasn’t Mom. She tried not to dwell on such, much like her reflection, because it hurt to think about, made her gem ache. She had other things to focus on, such as the way his head lolled to the side, a soft groan of pain escaping her. Garnet’s head raised up to look at her, with a slight tilt towards where Steven laid, her grip shifting. “There’s someone else here for you though, Steven.”

She hesitated, and only when she saw Garnet give her a small nod did she allow her hands to dip into the water, and easily take his form from her light grip. He was quick to lean into her, nuzzling weakly against her hand, with a soft noise, almost a whimper, leaving his lips, as his eyes slowly cracked open. Oh, they appeared to be so heavy, and he struggled  _ so _ much just to part them, that it drew tears to her eyes. Her poor boy. He was struggling to even breathe, she could see that now, his skin pale, his body weak. His eyes were unfocused, even as they came to her face, and only dimly lit up with recognition.

Rose was not dumb towards human life spans. She had seen humans dying before. Had held her lovers as they passed. She knew what it looked like, when a human was dying. And in her arms, Steven- only half human, but a shell of what he was supposed to be with her kneeling there- was dying. The tears didn’t start flowing right away, for she tried to fight them back. She let the hand not supporting his head come up to stroke his cheek, his head turning into her touch, and his eyes drifting close.

“Rose,” he breathed against her palm, so very soft that she barely heard him, and that was when the tears started. She couldn’t help it. They streaked her cheeks faster than she could dare to stop them, knowing that the first time she held her son would be as he died in her arms, and she couldn’t even think of anything to say. She had to say something, there had to be…

“I’m here, Steven,” she managed, and he breathed out against her palm. His head rolled, his neck weak and unable to support the weight of it, until he was looking back up at her. He struggled, so very hard, to crack his eyelids open again, barely able to see her through the thick lashes. She let her hand stroke his cheek lovingly, gentle and maternal in the only way she could think to be, and he smiled, the barest hints of one dancing across his lips as he stared up at her.

“Yeah. You are.” His eyes fell shut, his breathing so very weak, and she let her hand move to run through the thick curls atop his head, being oh so gentle with them so not to tug and pull. It was the only thing she could think to do, the tears bubbling down her cheeks faster than she could have thought possible. “Figures you would be. Guess ‘s means my time is up, huh?”

“I’m so sorry,” she choked out, and she could feel the strain as he shook his head. He let out a weak laugh, forcing the air out of his lungs in a way she was sure meant that he was not going to last much longer, and felt her body grow cold when it ended in a weak cough, his shoulders slumping. Not because he was relaxing, of course, but because he was so very near death that she could feel it at her fingertips.

“Don’t be. It isn’t… It isn’t gonna help anyone now.” He struggled, harder than she would have thought possible, to force the words out. It was getting harder and harder for him to breathe, she could tell. The breaths he did manage to draw in were weak, too slow to support his body, and she had to choke back a sob when he started to speak again. “Just… Let everyone know I love ‘em… Okay?”

“Of course. I love you, Steven,” she said, stroking his hair, brushing the wet bits away from his face, and he smiled. It was so weak, barely dancing across his lips, and with the smile, his last breath slipped out of him, a soft puff that slipped through his nose. His head lolled and, in a moment, he was still. She didn’t need to put her head to his chest to know that his heart was gone, that it was no longer beating, and it was then that she couldn’t hold it back anymore.

The sobs bubbled up, thick and choking, and she pulled him from the water. His body was so light, lighter than she would have expected, and she pulled it close, pulled it against her chest. He was easier than he should have been to cradle, to bury her face into the top of her head, and sob, the tears pouring off her cheeks and into her hair.

She didn’t care who was around to see it. She didn’t care who would have cared. All she cared about right then was her son. Her precious little boy. The one she only got to hold as he died in her arms. The one that had to deal with so very much, if Bismuth’s and Spinel’s presence alone had been anything to go by. She had been there for none of it, only been there by chance, to hold him close as he died, because that was all she had the time for. She had known from the beginning that they couldn’t both exist, that there would be no hope for him the moment her feet touched down yet again, her gem no longer his, but still it hurt.

It hurt, to hold his limp body, to know he was gone. She felt as if it had been her fault. He had died, and it was because of her. Because she had returned. She wasn’t supposed to have returned, she knew that. He was never supposed to exist without the gem, and now that she had it again, she had cost him his life. Of course she had. She had really only been good for destruction, for destroying what she tried to save, for ending the original Crystal gems when they had tried to chase off the other diamonds, for causing her original pearl so much pain once she had been taken away, for-

There was a light. Glowing softly at first, but slowly getting brighter, it broke her from her thoughts, from the train of things she had ruined, and instead brought her to the body in her arms. The sob that had been slipping free died in her throat, and she blinked as Steven’s body, previously limp in her grip, slowly brightened. The dark hair atop his head lightened, turning into a brilliant pink, and as the light faded, a broken gasp of a man desperate for air left his lips, his body jerking upright from her grip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woof, this is WAY overdue. sorry about that. ill try to update more often, i promise.
> 
> in the mean time, i made a discord server for this au! wanna hear more about it, and pressure me when i havent posted a chapter in a while? join me here: https://discord.gg/QkMvvgG !


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